Wait just one finger lickin’ minute. Apparently not everyone got the memo:
The memo that was written in cold, black Sharpie on the yellow post-it note of our souls. Maybe it was some sort of clerical error. Like extra toes.
God’s awful busy and I don’t mind pitchin’ in – I have already taken it upon myself to submit several op-ed pieces to the local newspaper – Dressing house pets like little babies is not natural. Neither is naming your daughter after a counter-top. Connect the dots, people.
In my (day) dream, I saw The (Un)Written Rules drawn in the sand next to Jesus’ footsteps. It was a vivid vision, done in paint-by-number and laminated on a piece of wood-paneling.
The effect was stunning.
Some might call me a prophet. I don’t care much for that fancy-talk, I’m just a God-fearin’ woman with an itchin’ to do good. So, sit back in your La-Z-Boy and listen up:
1: Don’t have more cats than the Humane Society.
2: Don’t get high before appearing on a late-night talk show.
3: Fiber One bars cause excessive gas. That’s not really an unwritten rule – just a warning.
4: Don’t try to high-five a blind man.
5: Never play Pac-Man on your wristwatch during church.
6: Needle-nose pliers are not intended for wart removal. Do you hear me?!
7: Don’t spank your female (or male) employees as they leave your office.
8: Don’t cheat on your medical school exams. In America.
9. Examine your conscience for lice.
10: Don’t fake your own death.
Whew!! I feel better. That Fiber One bar was like a Snake In a Nut Can.
You’re doing God’s work alright. In fact, you’re doing it BETTER than God. I know that will get me in trouble, but hey, something always does……Frantastic as always.
Couldn’t #7 simply be left at “don’t spank your employees”?
“Nut Can.” Is that some sort of C***-block?
Why can’t I fake my own death? Can I fake I have a fairly serious injury?