On January 15, 2009, 150 US Airways passengers landed in the Hudson River. By all accounts the pilot and crew did their jobs to the nth degree– pilot Sully even making two trips through the plane to make sure everybody had made it off the plane safely. We all saw the pictures and video of the passengers standing on the wing of the plane and waiting for their rescue. No serious injuries. Words like courage, bravery and heroism were thrown around like geese in a threshing machine. We all drank hot cocoa with a shot of Jack and had warm feelings as we watched replays on television and the internet. America gave itself a hug and a slap on the back– it almost seemed like the perfect prelude to the inaugogasm the nation had five days later.
The airline and TSA will spend a few million dollars to investigate what happened and they’ll find out what third graders already knew 3 hours after it happened: the plane ran into some geese, causing the engines to stall out and fail. Bad luck. Nobody was at fault, nobody died, everybody behaved exactly how you would have wanted them to– Sully had his fifteen minutes, we all decided his wife was way too hot for him and we moved on.
And then the checks went out.
US Airways sent each of the 150 passengers a letter of apology and a check for $5,000 as well as making follow up calls to make sure everybody was okay. Dave Sanderson, a 48-year old father of four and sales manager from Charlotte, said that the letter and checks, “were a nice gesture” and that US Airways has “treated me like gold since the incident.”
Nothing out of the ordinary here, right? It was an accident. This wasn’t a roller-coaster flying off the rails or a stairwell collapsing or a drunk bus driver playing bumper cars. Under Department of Transportation regulations, airlines are liable for up to $3,300 per passenger for checked bags that are lost or damaged on a domestic flight.
Bad luck happens. I’m sure not getting to Charlotte that day was a huge pain the ass for a lot of those people. Sometimes getting rained on is a pain in the ass. Sometimes you order a $30 dollar steak that takes 4 bites to eat. Sometimes you spend 12 bucks on a movie that sucks. I believe the technical term is “shit happens”. Five grand seems like a pretty decent amount for having a bad day.
Not to Joe Hart.
Hart suffered a bloody nose and a couple of bruises on the aborted flight to Charlotte. And Joe Hart hates babies and sunshine and rainbows. Hart, also a salesman from Charlotte, says he, “would like to be made whole for the incident.”
A real quick observation to that: WHAT A FUCKING PUSSY!!!!!
Hart says it’s too soon after the accident to determine what emotional distress he has suffered.
Survey saaaaaaaaays: WHAT A FUCKING PUSSY!!!!!
Hart says he’s concerned about having trouble flying. He’s flown on six planes since the accident and each flight has gotten “progressively more difficult.” He says he was tense, sweated and “felt every bit of turbulence” on a Los Angeles-to-Philadelphia flight last week, though it wasn’t that turbulent a flight.
All together now: WHAT A FUCKING PUSSY!!!!!
Dude, take your $5,000 and grow a pair. It’s not US Airways fault you didn’t kiss a girl until you were 22. It’s not US Airways fault you got cut from the basketball team. It’s not US Airways fault you were one of those kids who struck out in T-ball. It’s not US Airways fault that Vicky, the fat secretary at your office, won’t superpoke you back.
You weren’t whole before the accident, why the hell should US Airways be expected to make you whole after it?
On January 15, 2009, hundreds of people were diagnosed with cancer. Hundreds of parents hugged their children goodbye for the last time without even knowing it. Hundreds of people came to the conclusion that they didn’t love their spouse anymore or vice versa. Joe Hart got a bloody nose and didn’t make it home for dinner.
I have no more time for Joe Hart.