The 81st annual “pat-each-other-on-the-back, aren’t-we-the-best” awards show was last night. Now unlike many guys, I don’t mind watching the Oscars. Although it’s no more than a Hollywood love-fest, it’s usually a good time. Besides, there’s never anything else on against it other than NBA basketball, and frankly that’s just as boring these days.
I know a lot of people watch to see what the ladies are wearing, who’s willing to show the most boob, which guy shows up the most hammered (Mickey Rourke in a walk, I think he’s been drunk since the nominations went out).. who can we laugh at the most. This year was was no exception.
Hugh Jackman tried hard, I have to give him credit. The opening sequence was painful, though not because of him. If the audience liked what they saw, we couldn’t tell. We couldn’t hear them. No laughter, no booing, no clapping, no nothing. It felt like it just laid there flat. Too bad for Hugh.
Then 5 ladies who’ve all won Best Supporting Actress came out. And all anyone could think of was, “What the hell is Whoopie wearing?” She looked like she was wearing an old stretched out pair of men’s Zubas as a dress. It looked like someone wiped their ass with them. And then used them to apply Sophia Loren’s makeup. Bad, bad look. And Tilda Swinton? Two years running she shows up wearing a grocery bag. Ok, some people want to give her credit for being “orginal”. Sorry, she looked like a hag. Halle Berry.. as always.. HOTTIEHOTTIEHOTTIE. David Justice, you’re a jackass. Penelope Cruz won. Didn’t see the movie, couldn’t tell you what it’s called. Don’t care.
Now we have 5 previous Best Supporting Actors come out. No chance anyone’s winning other than Heath Ledger. And so it goes. Sorry boys, you’re all just window dressing this year, thanks for coming, hey, you know the rules. You die, you win. End of story.
Instead of coming up with something new for Best Actor/Actress, we have to do it again, twice. Kate Winslet wasn’t a shock, although it wouldn’t have been a surprise if Meryl Streep had won. Again, didn’t see the movie, don’t want to. I thought she looked OK, kind of a weird hair thing going on, but all in all, not bad.
Best lines of the night were Robert DeNiro on Sean Penn, and Penn saying he knows he a royal pain the ass. And who picked Adrian Brody as A-list? You couldn’t get Jack for chrissake? Or anyone else? Has Brody even done a movie since he won? And he looked like he wanted to join Jaquin Phoenix in the I’m a Whackjob club. And Mickey Rourke, c’mon dude, quit acting like you came back from a tough career as a boxer/wrestler… in the few fights you were in that anyone ever heard about you got your ass kicked so fast you didn’t have time to break your nose. That busted-up look you’re sporting nowadays has to be from bouncing your face off the pavement after too many all nighters.
Best Picture goes to Slumdog Millionaire. Slumdog actually won most of the awards of the night, and Danny Boyle actually looked nervous, like they weren’t going to win. Haven’t seen Slumdog, although I do want to see that it.
Not quite sure what that musical thing was all about with Hugh and Beyonce. Best laugh had to be James Franco and Seth Rogan. That was funny stuff. Had me rolling. Also, when they did the “remember the dead” bit, was it just me? Why did they leave off Heath? Just because he won? Thats a little cold.
editor’s note: They left Heath off because he died in ’07. He was in last year’s parade of death.