So Let’s Play…. “The Dating Game”

by Bill

   “Those that go searching for love, only manifest their own lovelessness. And the loveless never find love, only the loving find love. And they never have to seek for it.”   — D.H. Lawrence

   “Everyone’s retarded.” — Bill

Who’s to say which of the previous quotes is closer to the truth– I didn’t know this Lawrence fellow, but I do know that he wrote a short novel called, “The Escaped Cock”.   Yes, I’ll wait for you to finish chuckling.   I know enough of this Bill person that I can tell you one of his favorite quotes on looking for love is from surf rockers Jan and Dean:  “I’ve stared you down, but now school’s through…come summer girl, gonna hustle you.”

I thought of those two quotes while reading an article on the current boom happening in the matchmaking field.  It seems in these troubled economic times, matchmakers are doing huge business– if everything in your life is going down the tubes, you might as well have a certain someone to bitch about it to, right? Feel free to add some type of “Escaped Cock” joke here.

Now the article was pretty run-of-the-mill–  when times are tough nobody wants to be alone and blah blah blah and everybody drinks too much and then boom– the thing has escaped!  Okay, enough already– grow up!  But as boring as the article was, it was the comments afterwards that had all the entertainment.  D.H. Lawrence contends that the loveless will never find love and once again I find that most people I meet should be living in a trailer park.  When you read the “comments” to the article you’ll tend to agree with both of us.  To wit:

     Jack writes: “Aren’t all of these sites  really about women just trying to get a free dinner out of guys?  That’s why they are joining these matchmakers, looking for some sucker to take advantage of.”

At least you’re going in with the right attitude Jack!  Enjoy your Domino’s pizza and the 9pm drama hour on Saturday night television– I don’t see your date card filling up any time soon.

     William writes: “The benefits of these dating sites go to women only! She gets free lunch, free accomodation, free ride, free everything…and after awhile she just tells the guy she loves someone else”

Wow William…. leave your diary entries to yourself! Free accomodation? Dude– these are supposed to be introductory meetings to see if you might want to do it again.  Why do I get the sense that most of the guys writing in to this were in “Silence of the Lambs”?

     Dateless In Westchester writes: “Guys, don’t bother trying to date women in Westchester Co, NY –if you don’t look like you stepped out of the pages of GQ and make less than $200,000 a year.”

Ahh, the old, “they’re just a bunch of stuck-up bitches” argument, I love it! Anyone else think “Dateless” asked out some woman waaaaay out of his league?

     Jamal writes: “I agree with Jack.  Not that I am sexist but social ambiance is causing women to go really bad and opportunistic.  Not all of them, but many, consider a man as just a vehicle to success.”

You’re blaming social ambiance??? Jamal, you’d be better off with the “they’re a bunch of stuck up bitches” routine. “Causing women to go really bad”?  Hey guy,  I think that’s the leftover takeout for one sitting out in your nasty-ass kitchen that’s gone bad.  PS– you’re sexist.

It’s not just the guys either… here’s Vanessa: “As a single working mom with time at a premium– you better make it worth my while to meet.  As long as men make 40 percent more than women they can be a gentleman and pay for the date.  When you guys have to fork out the same cash for haircuts and makeup, you can complain about paying for the date!”

Welcome back to the world of singletons Vanessa! I’m shocked some guy got rid of you– you sound like a barrel of monkeys!  “You better make it worth my while to meet” ??? Well you better look like Rachel freaking McAdams or the only place I might want to meet you is a kickboxing class.

Single Serve pouts: “I disagree with the gold digger theory. Like me, there are plenty of girls who are smart and self-sufficient (independent) who don’t want your money– but guys don’t give us the time of day. Why is that?”

I’ll be honest ma’am…. you sound fat.  Single serve? I’m guessing you haven’t had a single serving since “Big Butts” was on the radio.

Erik writes: “It’s tough these days. Girls are very stuck up and if  you try to talk to them in a bar they don’t react very well. Or maybe it’s just me, however I’ve heard this from quite a few people.”

Erik– plain and simple, it’s just you…. but I have to say I’m fascinated by what your opening lines in bars might be… I’m guessing your “A- game” consists of Star Wars quotes.

Michael takes it to another level: “Matchmakers nauseate me.  They always seem to be women that have nothing better to do than to be overly nosy by sticking their snouts in other people’s business!  If you can’t get a date by your pathetic self then you shouldn’t be dating.”

Whoa.  This guys seems fun, doesn’t he? I’m picturing a guy who lifts weights in his garage and blares death metal as loud as it can go and creeps out the entire neighborhood.  Michael you don’t have to worry– I really doubt any woman will be sticking her “snout” anywhere near you for quite some time.

Somebody tell D.H. Lawrence we’ve found his escaped appendage.

Published in: on April 21, 2009 at 10:10 pm  Comments (6)  

Of Penises and Pirates

So I’m watching CNN, which is my first mistake, and the talking heads are talking about the poor unfortunate sea captain has been captured by pirates.   No one knows what to do.

No one knows what to do?


Hi, could we just watch  Pirates of the Caribbean again, please?  What one does with pirates, is one shoots them on sight.  I mean, yeah, I love Cap’n Jack Sparrow.  Cap’n Jack  Sparrow is a friend of mine.  These real life pirates are not Cap’n Jack Sparrow.  They don’t prance about like Keith Richards bringing madcap hilarity to the sea.  They kill people.  They are no good.  They are taking on British and U.S. naval vessels and winning only because we let them.

So let’s all  quit dickin’ around and just shoot ’em.

Oh, it’s not like you’d have to shoot all the pirates!  Just blow a couple of boats out of the water as they approach a ship flying our flag and I’m willing to bet the bailout money you won’t be seeing too many more pirate ships bothering the good law abiding citizens of the sea.

But no, the CNN talking heads never went there.  They really can not figure out what to do.

So an ad comes on.  There’s a smarmy looking fella holding up a little blue and white pill.

“I’ll bet you thought male enhancement was just a myth,”  he coos into the camera. “Not anymore!  This amazing little pill…”

He kept talking  but  I stopped listening.

I turned to my male who needs no enhancing and said “we’ve forgotten how to deal with pirates but at least we’ve discovered how to ad a quarter inch to the penis.  If the human race is doomed, it’s all we deserve.”

“It’s Apaches against gladiators on ‘Deadliest Warrior’ tonight.” he replied.


Published in: on April 15, 2009 at 7:54 pm  Comments (3)  

Officially a Glambertbot

By katie

I’m currently drinking coffee that isn’t very good. I dunno what I did wrong, but it’s weak and doesn’t seem to be doing its job (giving me a personality);  instead, it’s simply making me have to go to the bathroom. Here I sit, fuzz-brained and urine-filled. Not a good combination.

I’m also re-watching Adam Lambert’s insane Idol performance last night. Folks, this kid is running away with it, which is strange in the sense that I don’t actually think he’s going to win. He’s way too freakydelicious; he makes too many people uncomfortable, the benchmark of any true artist. Now before y’all start sending me hate mail or yelling at me that he was just doing the Gary Jules version of Mad World, I’m factoring in his stage presence, body language, all of it. The difference between Adam and everyone else is, he’s 100 percent in control of every one of his performances. The judges might give him a critique and he listens politely (GAWD do I hate it when the contestants back-talk!) but he does what he wants anyway, and doesn’t apologize.

The rest:

Anoop: YUCK. YUCK. I just don’t get it. He rubs me the wrong way…his whole preppy-frat-boy-life-of-the-kegger vibe bugs the crap out of me. Just go to grad school and go away.

Lil: I’m not sure there’s ever been a more overrated Idol. At long last last night the judges finally told her she stunk, disabusing me of the notions that I am either deaf or insane. Well, deaf, anyway. Week after week she’s given one abysmal performance after another, after which the judges go on and on about her mad skills and how she just needs to pick better songs. She doesn’t need to pick better songs, she needs to learn how to type so she can get a job that doesn’t involve singing.

Scott: Oh, my. Ohmyohmyohmyohmy…why? Why have they put us all in this incredibly uncomfortable position of having to pretend this guy had any musical talent at all? Knowing the words to a song and knowing which keys to plinker on a piano DOES NOT EQUAL TALENT. That’s like saying knowing how to spell makes someone a good writer (yes, I do know I just tee’d myself up with that one) or knowing that blue+red = purple means you can paint. This kid’s voice honestly makes a midnight alley-cat brawl sound pleasant. He hit a note last night that actually broke a window in my TV room. When he said he was “bringing out his punk side” with his castrated guitar-playing (to a Survivor song, no less! ) I wanted to crawl into a hole and hide until morning just to get away from the awkwardness. Look, he seems like a nice guy (See?? Even I’m doing it! Couching any criticism because I feel guilty for picking on a blind guy!) but for the love of Pete, Scott, music is just not your thing.

Kris: Kris is OK. But that’s all. Reliably OK. Even his looks are just OK. Everything about him is just too…pretty.

Matt: He’s OK, too. He’s better than Kris, but less consistent. Is it better to be consistently blah or occasionally pretty damn good? Answer: I don’t care that much, either way.

Alison: DAMN. Unbelievable. No worries about this girl, her future career is assured.

Danny: DannydannydannyDannyDANNY. I still love you. I’m sorry about the Adam thing, but what am I supposed to do?  I still think you’re by far the most adorable, (that nose-wrinkle thing slays me) I do love your voice, and the truth is, I still think you’re going to win.

Unless Adam decides to break out David Bowie. Or Mika, or Liza Minelli.

Published in: on April 8, 2009 at 3:11 pm  Comments (5)  

Breakfast and a Movie

by Bill

 I went to a 10:20 am showing of “Adventureland” this morning. (Certainly one of the perks of being single and childless– you wake up on Saturday morning and the day is yours– you won’t see me at Bed Bath & Beyond or a faux grown-up event for little kids– “Uh, dear, you can’t go golfing today, Hazel has her pre-school graduation walk-through today!”)

Anyway, I pull into a pretty damn busy movie parking lot at 10:15 am– mostly Bed Bath & Beyonders taking their groups of 5 or 6 kids to see “Monsters vs Aliens”– what I assume is a loud, colorful flick full of the equivalent of fart jokes for kids 8 and under. It will do massive box office.

“Adventureland” is going to pretty much be a bomb if my theatre is any indication– I walked in and it was two other males, both by themselves, both around 60-ish.

It makes some sense as the movie is marketed towards the “Superbad” crowd, who, on a Saturday morning at 10:15 am is still sleeping off Friday night’s adventures.  

So what did I expect from “Adventureland”?  Pretty much a loud, colorful flick full of fart jokes– it’s basically the passion project of “Superbad” director Greg Mottola– his version of “Almost Famous” if you will. The tiny ad-campaign centered on 80’s schtick and humor– an amusement park setting led by SNL stalwarts Bill Hader and Kristen Wiig.  To me it basically looked like a low-budget Apatow movie– nothing wrong with that, I love Apatow movies– and although I liked Mottola’s “Superbad” a lot, I didn’t think it was a great movie.

What I got took me by complete surprise– “Adventureland” is a great, great movie. I haven’t cared about characters this much since “The Wrestler” (Mickey Rourke and Marisa, not the daughter– I hated her) and I haven’t enjoyed watching two movie characters fall in love this much since “Once”.

It’s certainly not for everyone– I wouldn’t recommend it to my parents– or anyone hoping to see “Superbad Pt II”.  It’s a coming-of-age movie set in hum-drum Pittsburgh in the summer of 1987.  It’s a period piece the way that “Dazed and Confused” is– the ’80’s touches are spot on, from the clothes to the music to the ridiculous dance-bar called “RazzMaTazz” (Graffiti’s, William’s Upstairs or Filbert’s anyone?) 

I was taken in immediately as the Replacement’s “Bastards of Young” plays over the opening credits.  I was basically the lead’s same age in 1987– and saw the Replacements live at least 20 times in that era. The scope of the movie is very small– a kid has just graduated from college and is hoping to spend a summer in Europe before heading off to grad school at Columbia in NYC.  Circumstance slaps him in the face and he spends the summer working at a low budget, beat up amusement park in low budget, beat up Pittsburgh.  He meets a cool chick and falls in love with her.  Sounds kind of run-of-the-mill huh?  It’s anything but. There are 10 to 15 characters in the movie and every single one of them is played to perfection.  It’s funny, but it’s not at all a comedy in the Apatow vein (I think there will be a lot of disappointed 16 year olds who see this).  It’s a completely charming movie–  a group of young people stuck right between being immature teenagers and young adults.  By the time the Replacements “Unsatisfied” brought us up to the final scene, I couldn’t have been more invested.

Ryan Reynolds does a nice job as the “cool, late 20’s guy who once jammed with Lou Reed”– he plays Connel– the married maintenance guy at the park who can’t stop messing around with the young women at the park. He plays a sleazeball, but you can’t help but just feel bad for him– he’s old enough to know he’s a loser and you can tell that it pains him.

Jesse Eisenberg plays the lead role and he’s great.  The obvious comparison is Michael Cera– the character is wise-beyond-his-years, but also a bit intimidated and befuddled by the here-and-now.  It’s Cera with a couple of years on him and Eisenberg– and this could definitely be the kid he played in “Roger Dodger” at 21– nails it.  He’s smarter than anyone in the room and he knows it, but he also knows he doesn’t know anything about the “real world”. He’s wide-eyed and earnest and ever so likeable. 

The revelation though is Kristen Stewart. I’ll say it right now– I won’t see five better performances by a woman in a movie this year. Her character certainly has a full plate– her mother has recently died and has been replaced by the over-bearing step-mom, she’s sleeping with the cool-older married guy she works with– life is starting to make her grow up way too fast– but you can tell that she is dying to just be a 21-year old kid and get the other crap out of her life.  It’s a role that Winona Ryder would have played in the 90’s– but far less convincingly. This is a kid who’s had to take on grown up problems at too young of an age– but she won’t let you feel sorry for her– she knows she’s smart enough to know what to do. Stewart is just 18 and only looks 18, but here she’s playing someone a little bit older and she knocks it out of the park– really a great performance.

It’s a bit Dazed and Confused, but the characters are far more likeable– a bit Say Anything, but the characters seem more real. It’s completely charming and (unlike almost everything in pop-culture these days) doesn’t have a trace of cynicism– it respects all of it’s characters– certainly all flawed, but just trying to do the best they can with the hands they’ve been dealt. What I liked best about it was watching the two leads fall for each other– it’s touching and weighty and real– mindful of both “Once” and “Before Sunset”.

The best part was it was only 12:20 when I walked out of the theater and I already had a movie under my belt.

Published in: on April 4, 2009 at 10:23 pm  Comments (2)