Manly Movie Deaths

By Wingnut

I was bopping around on line yesterday when I came across some website that listed the Top Ten Manly Movie Deaths.  I’m not going to link to the site because the list was stupid and besides, I don’t remember what it was called.

The important point here is that the list was lame.  Getting killed out of stupidity or because you’re coked up and the cops are after you doesn’t fit my idea of a manly death.    On that list, the only two I agreed with were Mel Gibson’s death in Braveheart and Obi Wan Kenobi’s death in Star Wars.

It took my son and me about two minutes to come up with our favorite Manly Movie Deaths.  Here they are, in no particular order;

1. Bruce Willis in Armageddon.  Sure, Ben Affleck could’ve saved the world too, but not Liv Tyler’s happiness. 

2. Butch and Sundance.  They didn’t save the world and they knew their chances were slim, but BY GOD they died with their boots on. 

3. Miles Dyson, the computer genius in Terminator II; Judgement Day; all shot up and holding the weight over the detonator?  MANLY.  Saved the world as surely as Bruce Willis in Armageddon.

4. Boromir in The Fellowship of the Ring;  he went down full of arrows trying to protect those weaker than himself, confessed his sins, pledged his allegiance and died like a man.

5. Leonides in 300.  Watch the movie.  So manly it could change a lesbian’s mind.

6. Vincini in The Princess Bride.  He died LAUGHING.

7. Col. Robert Shaw in Glory.  I know, played by Matthew Broderick but one of the manliest deaths ever filmed.

8. Mel Gibson in Braveheart, duh.

9. Jesus in the Passion of the Christ.  Disagree?  Go to hell.

10. The cast of United 93.  Let’s Roll.  

Guys who didn’t make the top ten; Brian Picollo, cuz he didn’t have a choice; Obi Wan, cuz what did he really accomplish by dying that he couldn’t have done alive? and Yukon Cornelius because bumbles bounce.

Then we started tossing about the Top Ten Pussiest Deaths in the movies.   Also known as the Darwin Award Oscars.  Here’s our start;

1. Hans Gruber.  There’s something about falling that is inherently pussy.

2. The Lawyer from Jurrasic Park.  Eaten by a T-Rex while sitting on a toilet.  I can think of worse deaths but none more undignified.

3. The Director from Tropic Thunder who got blown to smithereens by his own special effects.

4. The Grampa in Everything’s Illuminated because suicide is usually a pussy move.

5. Hugh Jackman’s character in The Prestige because he failed to realize what he was doing. 

6. Everyone who died in the last two minutes of The Departed, which is still a pretty good movie.

7. All the drummers for Spinal Tap.  Sure it was by design and we didn’t get to see it, but still.  Totally pussy deaths.

8. Kurt Russel in Death Proof.  I’m assuming that the three chicks beat him to death.  He deserved it.

That’s all I’ve got.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Published in: on July 11, 2009 at 6:22 pm  Comments (8)  

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8 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. lol I liked your lists. The second one made me laugh, especially your take on The Departed. I love that movie. Well said =p!!

  2. Butch and Sundance is the all-time best without question. A few others (and great topic, thanks):

    1. Thelma and Louise in…what was the title of that movie again?
    2) Willem Defoe in “Platoon”… I mean, Charlie had to shoot that dude like 384 times in order to bring him down.
    3) The star of “Grizzly Man”. Manly is having your face torn off by a bear while still telling your girlfriend to get the hell out of there.
    4) Mel Gibson’s buddy in “Gallipoli”…the final scene. You can’t die manlier than in freeze-frame.
    5) Patches O’Houlihan in “Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story”. Maybe he never saw it coming, but Patches had old-school grit.
    6) Robert Duvall in “Lonesome Dove”. I don’t care if it was a made-for-TV movie, and I know there are readers of this site who will back me up on this one.
    7) George Clooney in “The Perfect Storm”. “Go right on up, Marky Mark, I’m right behind you.”
    8) The dude in “Bridge on the River Kwai” who plunges his dying body atop the detonator.
    9) Abe Vigoda (who is STILL not dead in real-life…I saw him at a diner just two weeks ago) in “The Godfather”.
    10) Leo DiCaprio in “Titanic”, “Blood Diamond” and I believe “Growing Pains” (and don’t forget the near-death scene in “The Beach”). The kid knows how to die.

    I still don’t know where to classify Robert Shaw’s demise in “Jaws”. It was manly (or stupid, as if there’s a difference between the two) to knock out the radio with a bat, but he was screaming like a little b**** when the shark chomped his leg in two.

  3. I actually considered Robert Duvall’s death in Lonesome Dove and decided it came up short. No doubt Gus was a man’s man, but quite frankly the epic journey that followed was manlier. I also considered the kid in Gallipoli and nixed that only because the charge wasn’t his idea. And it was stupid. Not his fault, but still…As for Capt. Quint, I almost put him atop the pussy list; he goes out hunting the shark and it ate him while he squeeled like a little girl. Being eaten by animals way dumber than you is not manly. As for Grizzly man, wtf was the dumbass doing out there in the first place? Stupidity immediately disqualifies the manly.
    Great call on Leo, though. He may have been ambushed in The Departed, but he has had his share of manly deaths.

  4. Did anyone see Clint Eastwood’s exit in Gran Torino? Now that epitomizes a guy with a spine.

  5. How could I have forgotten? The Black Knight in “Monty Python and the Holy Grail”.

    “‘Tis but a scratch! I’ve had worse.”

  6. Whoa, someone else has watched “Everything is Illuminated”? I thought I was the only one! I really liked that movie; if I ever see it in a $5 bargain bin I’m snatching it up.

  7. I bought Everything Is Illuminated. I loved it.

  8. “I walk this earth my whole life with my pride, see. If that’s lost, let the rest be lost with it.” Man’s Game.

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