A New and Fabulous Feature to DAK!

Dear esteemed readers, or in the interest of journalistic integrity and truthfulness, reader, as in singular, as in mom…OK, let’s just make it easier. Dear Mom, and possibly Dad if the weather is bad and you’re not golfing,

One of our contributors came to me the other day and pitched an idea for an advice column here at the DAK. I thought about it for a moment and came to the conclusion that this was a brilliant idea. Actually, my exact words, sprayed through a mouthful of crackers,  were “F*** do I care?”

So, here, without further ado, is it.  Here. Below. We’ll run this whenever. -ed

Muzz’s Answer Emporium

By Muzz

If you are like most people, then you have a tough time taking a step back to look objectively at your own problems. Fear not, I’m full of wisdom when it comes to your stupid crap! Some of it anyway.

Family troubles? Bring it!  Money woes? Uh…I’m probably not the right person to ask, honestly.  Relationship issues? I loooove those. “Career” stuff? Mmm…barking up the wrong tree. Wait…uless you’re buggin’ over a co- worker; then for sure let me help. 

In-laws driving you nutter butters? Boyfriend a control freak? Methinks I’m somewhat of a specialist. I’m not saying everyone will agree with all of my advice, but if you’ve got a problem maybe my point of view can at the very least help you see things a little clearer.

Whether my advice is right on the money or way far off, I’m just trying to help. One way to help me help you is to provide all the details you can regarding your situation. All of them, especially the embarrassing and/or salacious ones. But stay anonymous- it’ll make things easier for everybody. Think of me as a priest, or a doctor. Everything you tell me is private, except that it’ll be all over the internet. Again, no boring problems about work or money. If I wanted to listen to those, I’d marry you.

Published in: on October 21, 2009 at 1:16 am  Comments (12)  

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12 CommentsLeave a comment

  1. Where are we supposed to send our problems, Einstein?

  2. Fine, here’s my problem. I made these brownies tonight and they are way undercooked and disgusting. How come cold brownie batter is good, but warm and slightly more solidified, it gives me the runs? Plus I think someone is stealing gum out of my purse.

    • Dear Silly Katie, my name is Mary Jeanne. Not Heloise. Leave your brownies in longer next time. Poke them with a toothpick. Like it says, right on the box.

      As for your missing gum, it’s Molly. I’m almost 33% positive.

      • I don’t make boxed brownies, they were from SCRATCH. Cuz that is how I roll. And you didn’t answer my question about the dough. I feel like I’m talking to a politician. Answer the question!

      • Katie,
        brownie batter is delicious, and fully baked brownies are delicious too. But, like people, the inbetween, or “teenage years” of brownies, are hideous and awful. End of story.

  3. Dear Heloise, I mean Mary Jeanne, someone has been stealing the gum out of my hair. And my youth. Stolen. Gone with the wind. And the gum.
    What do I do?

  4. Dear What do I do,

    You aren’t playing along very well. You’ve told me nothing of yourself except that you believe your head is a piece of scrap paper in which to fold your used gum, and that some bandit has made off with your youth. But, here are my suggestions.

    If it’s your looks, there are plenty of options: color your hair! get botox! stand further away from the mirror! Smile once in a damn while! If its your body, get your fat, lazy ass off the couch and go for a walk. If it’s your mind thats aging, take up a new hobby; read a new-to-you genre, learn a new language, knit, start flirting with strangers in whom you have no real interest (or stop).

    Or, accept the fact that your mind and body are different than they were 10 years ago. Did your 11 year old self sit around blubbering that he/she would never again have the curiosity and giant, sparsely-haired head of his/her 1 year old self? Hell no! Embrace the you of today!

    Some far off day you will look back at today as your youth. So quit being such a drag. Your bitching is probably pissing off your friends. Don’t you want friends around when you really need them, when you really are old? Old people with friends are cute and sunny and full of life. Old people who pushed away their friends by constantly complaining about the clocks hands moving ever forward are mean and curmudgeony and dead; first just on the inside, but soon all over– real dead.

    As for your gum problem, I don’t see how “someone” can steal the gum from your hair without your noticing. Don’t you feel it? It’s probably your pillow. Stop putting gum in your hair. Right now. It’s gross.

  5. Dear Muzz,

    I have a very serious problem. I recently got married to a wonderful, although short in stature and moderately furry man. He got me a beautiful engraved golden wedding band! The problem was, ever since we exchanged vows, it’s like nobody notices me. When I talke people look around as if they are scared, and I am constantly jumping out of the way when people almost run into me. The only people who take any notice of me are scary dead skeleton kings. Also, the sun now looks like a giant searching eye. Can you help my precious?

    • Hey! That guy bought me a drink last Friday night!

  6. Dear Floella,

    That man you married is not so wonderful after all! He’s not even a man, he’s a hobbit. Ick.

    He used you to avoid responsibility. That ring he gave you was to be destroyed, cast by your gross fur-ball husband into the fires of Mount Doom. Instead that pussy gave it to you. You’re already calling the ring your precious. So, if your no good hubby ever does grow a pair and decide to do what’s right, he’ll have to fight you for the ring. If you don’t take off that ring right now those skeleton kings are gonna find you. And then you’re done for.

    Also, if you don’t take the ring off you’re pretty much ruining the world for everyone. Don’t be selfish like your dumbass hobbit husband. Consider divorce.

  7. I have many problems, both real and imagined, but cannot for the life of me figure out how to submit them to Dear Muzzy and remain anonymous. Signed, Confused. No, not
    Andy. NOT ANDY!! Confused I say!!!

    • Use a fake name. Might I suggest Spastic?


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