I guess it’s time to address the elephant in the room. I’ve been trying to avoid it because of all the reasons everyone avoids elephants in the room; thinking about it fills me with anxiety and makes my butt-cheeks clench.
Let’s talk American Idol.
Look, I think we can all agree that last season was gonna be tough to beat; there was just so much talent. Matt Girard came in 5th place last year, and he could’ve beaten this year’s field with that hideous mole on his forehead tied behind his back. Yes, Google the Monster was terrible. But that’s a post for a different day. What I’m trying to say is, this year is about as exciting as watching Apolo Ohno win a bunch of bronze medals. It’s better than no medals, but barely.
OK. Soooo, trying to put last year aside and simply focus on this group, here are my rankings of the remaining eleven contestants:
11. Tim Urban. Good gravy. How did this kid get into the top 12?? Let us forget for a moment his terrible haircut, the look on his face like he’s constantly about to burst into tears, his simpering smile and just discuss his voice.
10. Paige something-or-other. Sorry, I don’t know her last name. What I do know is she has a fondness for wearing shorts with tights and I find her eyes scary, like one of those blue people from that one movie. This week she was dressed like an Australian zookeeper. She sang like one, too.
9. Katie Stevens. UGH. I know it’s not really OK to pick on someone who is so young, but she has this attitude that she’s the bomb, and she isn’t.
8. That tall goof with the hair. The one who can’t sing very well.
7. The love-child of David Archuleta and Clay Aiken. He seems like a nice kid, he’s all sweet and aw-shucksy, which I admit, I fall for just like everyone else. But he’s not a great singer.
6. Fat Danny Gokey, otherwise known as Latino Danny Gokey. He’s fine. I like him, he seems cool and he has that hard-scrabble background which is always compelling, but he’s getting dull.
5. Michael Lynche. Everyone loves him. What am I missing? He’s so cartoonish-looking, he’s like watching a bloated parade float dance. How will he keep his physique gigantic without his ‘roids, though? Every week, expect his arms to get smaller and his voice to join them. I’m just saying what everyone else is thinking.
5.(tie) Siobahn Magnus. Yep, she’s quirky! Everyone loves her, too. I think she sounds like she’s singing right through her nose. The screams are cool, I dig, it’s the rest I can do without.
3. Didi something. I actually think she improves every week. She’s also super pretty, which as Kris Allen can tell you, counts for a lot.
2. Lee something-spelled-crazily-that-I don’t-feel-like googling. Sometimes he sounds awful, but sometimes he sounds really great. He sang a Hinder song a few weeks ago, the worst song ever recorded in the history of the world, and that bugged me. I do like how shifty he always looks, like he just stole something backstage.
1. Crystal-meth-teeth Bowersox. By far the best. I loved her dad this week, too. Very sweet.
0. Ellen. What a bust she’s turning out to be. She has so far said exactly no funny things.
-1. The fact that Kara and Simon are obviously doing it. Hey Kara and Simon, you are making everyone uncomfortable! Stop with the eye-you-know-whating.