The Passion Of The Chr… Chrazy

by Bill

Young William Wallace in “Braveheart”: “I can fight!”

Malcolm Wallace: “I know.  I know you can fight.  But it’s our wits that make us men.”

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It’s our wits that make us men.  Mel Gibson certainly went to battle without his wits in his now infamous telephone call–turned Mike Tyson presser with his then girlfriend Oksana Grigorieva.  The tapes were leaked to the world beginning July 12– all told 5 different segments of a lunatic going off on a gold digging girlfriend.  It’s the perfect storm of off-the-deep-end anger mixed with celebrity/alcoholisim/racism entitled spoiled brat of a man with a gold-digging/wanna-be pop-star/40 year old home wrecker who knew exactly what she was doing when she hit “record”– and good for her for that part at least– her life sounds like hell– the same kind of hell living inside his head sounds like.

BUT– it comes out that Gibson and Grigorieva agreed in court over two months ago that the audio tapes would never be released to the public.  It also comes out that Gibson’s side is now claiming extortion against Grigorieva.  I’ll shed no tears for either side of this bratty war between what sounds like two pretty unlikeable people.  To Him: Dude, seriously… what is wrong with you? You’ve made Alec Baldwin sound like Father of the Year.  To Her: Everything Mel said. (Ha… ok, probably not everything, but maybe most of everything….) To Both of Them: Thanks for being so crazy and letting us hear it.  WHAT??!!??? WHAT??!!?!?! Loud panting.  More loud panting.  GIMME BACK MY SON!!!!!!

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We’ve all known Mel’s battled booze his whole life– stories of waking up  in the gutters of Australia after passing out after nights of carousing.  But we liked him anyway– hell, it added some allure to his “manliness” in films.  This guy wasn’t just playing Mad Max, he was Mad Max.  He was good looking and cool and everyone liked him.  “Lethal Weapon” (II and III), “Tequila Sunrise” and “Braveheart”…. with just those three you’re in the Hall of Fame.  Mel was so cool he got past “Bird on a Wire” and even had some of us thinking “The Patriot” didn’t suck.  “Payback” and “We Were Soldiers” were really good movies– not Hall of Fame worthy, but damn good.  All along we heard about a guy who’s been married forever to a fellow Aussie and they have 46 kids together.  Good for them.

Then……… “The Passion of The Christ”, great movie… but the guy has never recovered.  Make no mistake, Mel believes with every cell in his body that Jesus died for our sins– he just seems to have made it his personal mission to make sure Jesus didn’t die in vain.  Turns out his old man was a racist loon and the apple might not have fallen very far.  An arrest accompanied by a crazed rant that would have killed the career of anyone who wasn’t already in the Hall of Fame.  Some people would dismiss him forever after that…. most of us shrugged it off as “he was drunk and said a bunch of idiotic things…. who among us hasn’t done that?” (I mean, c’mon… how cool was he in “Tequila Sunrise”?!?!?!)

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Leaves his wife of forever for some pretty wanna-be pop star Russian woman.  Huh. Don’t know anything about the long-time wife or the new girl…. whatever, it’s your life… you were so badass in “Braveheart” that you’d have to go completely off the rails to lose us.

“You go out in public and it’s a fucking embarrassment to me.  You look like a fucking bitch in heat, and if you get raped by a pack of nig**** it’ll be your fault, all right? Because you provoked it.”

Dear Mel: To some of us…. those of us who wake up on an Earth where the sun comes up in the morning and then sets at night… that’s a wee bit off the rails.

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That would be mean to say to your worst enemy in the yard during your 26th year in the big-house.  Mel said it to his girlfriend.

Okay, okay, that’s probably child’s play in prison or a 2 Live Crew ballad… and it might even pass for “sweet-nothings” and “foreplay” in some of the lesser trailer-park homes across this land of the free and the home of the brave—- but yeah, pretty far out of bounds for most of us.

For those of us who live on the aforementioned “Earth”, saying a vastly watered down version of that “point of contention” to a significant other…. oh, something like… “stop dressing like such a slut” would get your eyeballs gouged out, your drink poisened and your man sack punched, kicked and worst of all– made fun of.

Mel continued: “I’m just telling you the truth! I don’t like it.  I don’t want that woman.  I don’t want you!  I don’t believe you anymore.  I don’t trust you, I don’t love you.  I don’t want you, Ok?”

Every woman that ever lived: “Huh?…. I’m gonna be honest with you Mel, I haven’t really heard anything you said after that part where you had me getting gang-raped by a pack of really bad words.”

Oh, I almost forgot… in-between those two gems Mel hit her with: “You are provocatively dressed all the time, with your fake boobs, you feel you have to show off in tight outfits and tight pants (garbled) you can see your pus** from behind.”

TIME FUCKING OUT……… WHAT?????? (that’s me by the way…. and probably every woman that’s ever lived).  Wow Mel…. you actually said that to someone who was alive?????  There are horrible, horrible, horrible things some of us think in our worst moments….. and then there are our vocal cords…. and NEVER the twain shall meet. Well, at least not when talking to the mother of our 8-month old daughter.

Anyone who has the internet knows there was a whole helluva lot more and it’s just all kinds ‘o crazy.  98 “fucks”, 16 “bitches”, 14 c u next Tuesdays, 9 whores, 7 blow me’s  and 3 each of “love” and “angry” (which actually seems pretty balanced, considering).

So that happened.  Whoopi gave some idiotic rant on “The View” about how Mel’s not a racist because he was nice to her and her kids.  So Whoopi, is Son of Sam not a murderer because he never killed you? WTF?

Now all kinds of “shesagolddiggingwhore-he’sgotdeeprootedparentalissues-sheprovokedhimandknewwhatbuttonstopush (especially “record”) youcan’tunderstandthedemonshehastolivewith–shesadirtyrussianspywhowasonlyeverafterhismoney.

Oh well, at least there’s an infant girl, an ex-wife and a hundred other kids involved.

And seriously, what in-the-hell was with the wild-ass panting and heavy breathing?????

Mel in “Lethal Weapon”:

“Hey look friend, let’s just cut the shit.  Now we both know why I was transferred. Everybody thinks I’m suicidal, in which case I’m fucked and nobody wants to work with me; or they think I’m faking to draw a psycho pension…. in which case I’m fucked and nobody wants to work with me.  Basically, I’m fucked.”

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Correct. And “Bird on a Wire” really, really sucked.

Published in: on July 21, 2010 at 11:10 pm  Comments (4)